days on the calender

For three days the date has been bothering me. Nagging would be more appropriate. Every time i would look at today, i would feel like i was missing something. Like the oven i forgot to turn off or the special event i was supposed to be at. I raked my brain trying to figure it out. Tried to remember if i promised someone I'd be somewhere. Anything to explain the tugging in my gut.
Driving home tonight, after a long couple days, it finally hit me.

Today would have been Popsie's birthday.
and I cried the rest of the way home.

I am trying to remember every adage i have ever heard about pain. About how it makes us stronger. Builds our character, makes us into who we are, is part of life...The truth is, right now, I am just tired of hurting.

starting over

This week, my car started over. All it took was an odometer that didn't have the hundred thousand position and tada.
Why can't life be that simple.

end of summer

Summer in ending. The tell tale signs are everywhere. I went to work this morning in the dark (I don't care that it was 6 am, its wrong.), I have rediscovered my favorite fleeces and the fact that my hair falls flat in the face of drizzle, and finally that Edmonds, is once again beginning its annual 'shut the town down by 5pm' tradition. Ug.
So...a little ode to summer, it was a duzy. It has held incredible highs, and the terminal velocity hitting the concrete kind of lows to back them up.
Some of the highs included getting to see two of my best friends in one local for the first time ever, submitting my first fiction for publication, playing with fire poi, one cold skinny dip, and my most talented move to date; locking myself on the back balcony...and having to ask my valiant neighbor to break into my place, to get me off the back deck. And yes, this counts as a high for shear laugh factor.
Some of the lows included things like a death in the family, 3 rounds of spills on my back (two were the full air banana peel kind), and other stuff that shall remain nameless for quite a while. August got nicknamed the month that just wouldn't die.
So I would just like to take a moment of silence. The weather I will miss a little, the rest i will not.
Next week my roomy leaves for oz yet again, another dear friend leaves for Montana, and my new roommate moves in. This is defiantly the change in seasons. May the next 4 months bring rain, and the knowledge of a God that is still beyond my reach.

throwing rocks at the sea

So the other night in the middle of a talk a good friend had a grand idea. 5 min. later we stood on the beach in the dark (except for 1 ferry about to leave dock), with a small collection of pebbles. I went first. "you are never supposed to question God, EVER." I hucked the rock as hard as I could (it landed a pitiful distance but felt good). We took turns. Chucking some of the lies we have believed most of our lives into the sea. I felt amazing....and hurt like hell...and almost took out my shoulder. Turns out even when you say them out loud, and they sure enough sound like complete bollucks...they still hurt to pull up.
So we threw them really hard.
We had a couple over lapping. And a couple dusy's. And after half an hour we were done.
On the walk back up the beach I thought I saw a plastic bag billowing in the wind. I stop dead 4ft away when i realized it was a baby harbor seal. I went to Seattle Aquarium a couple weeks ago. And some how when they tell you 'these live right out here'...you really don't believe that means your actually going to see one. Let alone up close and personal. We got pretty close trying to see if the little guy was hurt. His reaction (all 2 feet, and round inches of him) was to look at us, yawn, stretch and promptly go back to sleep. We called about him only to be told by 911 that it was totally normal. The moms plop the little guys up on the beach so they can do some night fishing. Leave him be and he'll be just fine. So we did.
More trips to the beach should be like that one.

for the first time

I want to know you again
know the sound your footfalls make
know the feel of your hand on my face
I want to lean on your chest
and listen to your heart dance
understand the tears that fall from your eyes
and cry them too
I want to remember your laugh
the one that tingles my ear as it moves the air

this place is empty with out you
haunting echo's in a bare room
I still rise every morning, shower every night
but in between the silence haunts me.
tapping on my shoulder to remind me...

I can't pretend that these questions don't exsist
that the lies don't still haunt my sleep
but I don't want to live here anymore

I don't want to go back to the way we were
to return would be an injustice to both of us
but I don't want to live here anymore

you broke the rose colored glasses
don't leave me to cut myself on the sharp edges
wake me up and tell me this doesn't end here
wake me up and wrap me in your embrace

I don't care if you come with flowers or answers or a history
just come. I was wrong. Please come

I want to know you again, maybe for the first time

Carrot Juice and other scarry words

I discovered this week I actually kinda like carrot juice. Its not all that random when you add up the recent add ins to my favorites list. Mustard, Mushrooms, Chai Lattes, natural cheetos. But still , its a little up there on the strange scale. I tried it fresh in NZ. My first thought was quite possibly the same as yours....oh my. But by the end of the glass....interesting. So I found my new favorite people, bolthouse farms. And of their many offerings, you guessed it, 100% carrot juice is one of them. Its kinda like the first time someone hands you the weird gooey kids toy. At first it's just gross, but after a while it's kinda cool. Yeah, thats it.
And the other scary word....'send'. Its a mild word. You probably use it every day with out even knowing it's hidden power. I submitted one of my stories for publications today. I double checked the address, the guidelines, the subject line. I even doubled checked to make sure the story really was attached. The story itself has been gone over with a small tooth comb and then some. But still, I sat staring at that one little word...send. Knowing the power this little word held as it sat mocking me. Would it hold 6 weeks of mind numbing waiting, or maybe only 3. Would it return happy news, or a try again later.
I decided there was only once response. I beat it into submission and am going home to have some carrot juice.

statue of limitation

There should be a statue of limitation on remorse. Like the number of Halloween candy you could eat as a kid before you got sick, or how many years it took for you to figure out what that number was. There should be a common sense stopping point. Or at the very least a built in mechanism that makes you black our when your to stupid to stop the merry go round on your own. I think mine is broken.

anybody got a spare...

imposed silence

My whole life I've wanted to lose my voice. I was the little kid whose mom would tell me to be quite or you'll lose your voice...and I would sing at the top of my lungs. It's right up there with passing out. It just fascinates me.
It's been an almost two week battle with a nasty buggard of a cold thingy, having numerous highs and lows. And only a few days of feeling like death warmed over, the rest of the time it's just been standing at the door flirting. When I woke up this morning my room mate said she probably didn't need to ask me how I was, since she heard me last night. I went to respond.....but the only thing that came out was my best impression of a mouse on crack.
So finally, after many years of valiant efforts, I have lost my voice. Next on the list. Pass out, learn to juggle, hot wire a car, and pick a lock. ;-)

Big Blue

So I went to the big blue electronics store today.
My digital camera broke a few weeks ago. My 'used for everything constantly love this camera and can't replace it' digital camera broke...the day before I left for two weeks in Colorado. In Rocky Mountain blue sky beautiful gorgeous wish you were here Colorado. It just went black. The screen still worked, you could see the grid lines and options, but no image.
So delighted that I was a smart little girl who had bought a store warranty (its now 3 months over factory), I went to the big blue and yellow store to try and get it repaired.
The nice man in the geek squad started examining my camera as I the explained the tragic events as they had unfolded, and my situation of being forced to play with a disposable camera on vacation. (I even had to show him where to turn in on. )
But in the midst of my grand tale he flipped the camera toward me and asked....you mean this screen?.....the one displaying his beautiful blue shirt and shnazzy name badge.
....
I caught my jaw an inch before it hit the counter. He asked me if I had tried 'this' button....the one that turns the display on. I straighted my back and prepared to give my best 'I am not the fliberdyjibbit girl you are obviously mistaking me for' speach. But all that really came out was a lame defense and disbelieving giggle.
So he tried all the settings, asked me if I had done the same...(i giggled some more in disbelief). then he politely said 'if I send it in and they can't find anything wrong...they really don't like that'. At which point I politely said I was quite happy to take my fully functional camera back home with me.
So i came home...fully functional camera in tow....and played photographer again....

Rain???

Ah Colorado, land of the....rain!? I left a blue sky in Seattle last week to hit almost daily thunderstorms here. Now don't get me wrong, I MISS thunder storms. Its the only part of WA rain I don't like. And rain here is still different. The clouds stay a few thousand feet up, instead of encroaching on your personal space at twenty ft. Though I personally like the cozy low version myself :-)
It is still so weird here. I miss the people here, but not the life. And there is something about driving around on roads that hold twenty years of history in their cracks, walking on sidewalks that suffered your first bloody knee, that just messes with your brain.
I just got back from the Colorado Christian Writers Conference. My annual trek into the world of authors, editors, and publisher. They are annal about their semicolons, passionate about the perfect sentence, and obsessed with people that don't exist. Man I love these people. Minus one creepy guy the conference was amazing. After a two month dry spell there is nothing like being told by some people who know what they are talking about that you aren't waisting your time.
So incase you hadn't figured this out...this is a mercy post. A 'I suppose I ought to actually put something on here. If your still reading I applaud your determination. this was also to say thanks to all who have been praying. This trip back has held a lot of bumps, some nasty lows, and the kind of highs that leave you light headed.
And with that....
Oh...P.S. Even with the rain there is enough sun here to get a tan ....me likes that!

just plain wierd

Its just weird. I feel like life is swinging full circle, but in the oddest ways. I have a home again, in the way that it hasn't felt in almost two years. Not just an apartment, but a home. This was inevitable, I know. But you'd be amazed how after 14 months it starts to not feel like it is. And as of today, I am again employed. But here is where it feels even weirder, I am a nanny. No, that probably isn't the most shocking thing you have heard this week, especially if you know me. But for a girl who spent 5 years in Chamber work (about as far from 'nanny' work as you can get with out reaching into the mad scientist realm) it feels a bit surreal.
I am no longer a vagabond. For this week it is a definite reminder that change is the only constant in life, and that God has a healthy sense of humor (I am getting paid to do something I enjoy, gasp!). Both of which I desperately need right now.

3:54 one leisurely afternoon

I'm not really sure when it happened. I think it might have been somewhere around 3:54 one leisurely afternoon a few years back. But somewhere along the line I became a person with opinions and the passion to back them. You have to understand, this is a shocking turn of events. Most of my young life I have been the mellow one, going with the flow rather then creating waves. Then bam! (batman sound effects and all). I suddenly find myself owning the WaveMaker 3000 and studying the instructions.
My roommate and I watched HappyFeet last night. As we took a Chai brake (Thanks to the wonderful C&C for bulk buying) we starting discussing the several undercurrents of the movie and which ones were rubbing us wrong. I got lightheaded before I even realized I had jumped on my soap box and began a rant at altitudes not fit for humans (I attempted to gracefully step down and put it away, but tripped as usual).
Then this morning I was reading the BBC world news site. It is kinda a staple these days in the desperate attempt to remember that yes, in fact there is a world outside the universe know as the USA. They had an article on the New Creation Science Museum opening in Kentucky. Some dear friends of mine are involved with Answers In Genesis, the organizing building it. So I was interested to see what the article said. 5 minutes later I wasn't sure if I wanted to hurl, or just spite the writer. I even looked for the 'feedback button'!!! I have never been that person before!
The article was condescending to say the least. In the end I opted for neither (they didn't have the button) and went for the prayer instead (I even avoided the 'spite them', and went for the 'bless the museum and defend Your truth' one).
It made me again realize how much I have changed. The gusto still doesn't have a whole lot of outlets right now. Prayer seems to be the main conduit I am falling back on. Given some time I get the feeling that will start expanding to.
So for right now, I'll keep reading, keep looking for the feedback button, and keep asking God for humility to match and seasoned words (mine seem to be running for cover as of late).

P.S. Heres the article if your curious. http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/programmes/from_our_own_correspondent/6549595.stm

Home again home again...

So I was trying to wait. Post pretty pictures and make this a whole shebang. But as usual my life is crazier then that. Soooooo here is the news. I have a home!!!! Yes thats right. 14 months / 59 weeks / 419 days after I walked out of my last apartment, I moved into a new one. Wholly cow. I have the coolest apt. (retro with stove you will have to see pics of to believe), a grand roomy (whom can swap Aussie stories with me), an amazing view (ferries and water, and mountains oh my), all smack in down town of a little town I love so well. Have I mentioned we got an unreal rate?!?!? I am blown away. At Gods amazing grace and provision. I look back at the last year of my life totally amazed, and knowing it was so totally God. And look ahead so incredibly grateful to have a real home for the next 5 months.
Now all I need is a real job and then I won't be a real vagabond anymore. (I have an interview in the morning) Then what ever will I do with myself (GASP :-0)

Hope Deferred

I want to say something here. Fill up the gap that is quickly forming between my heart and the outside world. But I'm already feeling like this is a failing attempt. I feel like it is a struggle to talk right now. I feel like my heart is retreating. Hiding so deep that even when I want to expose it (which is feeling rare), it becomes a tug of war and a jumble of words, or even worse - a string of regrets. Until finally I am so exhausted that I decide it is easier to stay silent then try to explain. Leaving me feeling not fit for human consumption. I'm discouraged. And I keep calling it that because I don't actually want to talk about how deep or strong it is running.
I could tell you about all the surface stuff. The glasses saga, new apartment, writing. It all feels like filler. And it isn't to say there hasn't been good. There have been joys this week from unexpected places. I just don't like the silence that I feel is gaining weight around me.
But it is midnight, and with a little strong arming I should be able to wrestle my self into bed in the next three hours. And I'm sorry if this all sounds cryptic. For what it's worth it's not meant to. Its just all that I can say right now.

fender bender and paint...

After getting in my first fender bender (the back bumber on my car looks pretty darn sad) and being ordered to keep moving to help with the resulting issues...I decided to do this with my weekend.
Stacy and I decided to bless a dear friend while they were out of town (they knew it was happening and pre approved colors:-). All in all I have new found respect for trading spaces. By day 2 of 4 I was sore and drama was high. But things turned out ok and even amaizing. The results came in tonight that all is loved. And I now have the painting bug back OUT of my system.
As for the fender bender I am still hurting and there's insurance and chiropracters and drama oh my. But it could have been alot worse. So there ya go. Its late and me going to bed now.

Ug...

Its been one of those weeks. The ones where at the end of the day your not sure who was holding the stick that beat you....you or everybody else. Ug, its the best two letter word I know to explain it. On the good side, getting to paint some walls to bless some friends, having a start date and location for the next Truth Project, and a meeting I was dreading that went great.
On the flip side, was painting some walls, writting hitting a wall (the solid 8 inch concrete kind) , alot of hard talk, and missing my family fifteen hundred miles away something fierce. Oh, and have I mentioned the number of major life questions I have floating above my head that I don't have answers to. Every so often a couple fall out of the thought bubble, hit me square on the head, and leave me needing four asprin.
In the midst of all this I also pursuid a white rabbit down a hole that led to something I have dreaded. An ugly saga and a snatched story idea from a few years back has reached its end. The person sucessfully got it published. I wanted to go on a rant. Find a very nice soap box and call it home for at least a four paragraphs. I had cause, my guts were laying strewn on the floor. And I even had notes prepared....how I learned some good lessons even if the hard way, about integrity and what happens when we cut corners for the sake of a prize. Now I'm not sure I even have the energy to step up, let alone rant.
My friend said it best tonight. 'you have no job, no home and no life....what are you stressed about?'. We both broke out laughing and I remembered why I drive seventy miles (in the snow! :-) to come play with her.

Found on BBC

At the one month anniversary of being home I am still itching for news from outside of this continent known as America. I was again this morning reading through a couple of international news sites, when I stumbled across this. Lynn Truss is the gal that wrote 'Eats, Shoots, and Leaves." & "Talk to the hand". The article this morning was about people having a cow when fiction isn't true. It was to good not to pass on.

You COULD make it up - Lynn Truss

Fun with Poi!!

Random tennis ball attack - No!
Newest Goth accessories - No!
It's Poi!
You too can have this New Zealand Maori dance element stuck in your hair! How? It's easy!!
First, make or buy your very own Poi. This ball and cord design is easy to assemble and available here for only 4 easy payments of 19.95!
Second, begin swinging. Instructional video not necessary. In no time at all you too could have this gleaming accessory as part of your collection!

Note; results may very. For best results begin swinging in a backward motion at hight spead and attempt to cross. The results listed above were accomplished my a sudo professional on a closed test track in the middle of winter.

Writing

In the midst of being almost half way thru my novel, and discovering I have to rework the last 4 chapters...I needed a reminder of why I love these crazy things called words. Here is a little of what I found and fell in love with. Sorry, I couldn't resist posting them.

But for any writer worthy of the name there is a moment during the writing process when the rest of the planet might as well have gone to Venus. And those moments are not for sale. - Maria Lenhart

A writer is someone for whom writing is more difficult then it is for other people. - Thomas Mannd

Words are, of course, the most powerful drug used by mankind. - Rudyard Kipling

Writing is not a profession, occupation or job; it is not a way of life: it is a comprehensive response to life. - Gregory McDonald

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. - Douglas Adam

Sometimes I think my writing sounds like I walked out fo the room and left the typewriter running. - Geve Fowler

fading tans and other melodramas

My tan is fading. I know, I know. I have a tan in January. I get it. But it is more what it is a sign of then the tan. Life is moving on. It feels like such a wierd thing. There was so much prep, so much build up, that to now be standing on the other side with memories attached, just feels rather bizar.
So my life is once again slowly starting to take shape (I say slowly on purpose). I will be full time nanny-ing (still havn't figured out how to spell that silly word) for a dear friend until mid March. The situation has 'God's fingerprints' all over it, and I am definatly ok with that. After that there are again more question then I have answer to, so I'll let them sit for a while :-).
And that is about all she wrote. friends that I love and family I miss, old wars and a few new struggles, and definatly more grins and giggles then I can shake a stick at.
Jesus is grand.

And P.S. - because this is the fish story I will be telling when I am 80, I feel the need to prove it. Meet my shark...
and yes there is a pic of me holding it...and no I'm not posting it here

Home...

As of tomorrow I am one week on this side of the big blue. Jet leg is still alive and kicking, and culture shock is leaving bruises. I am not sure which is more overwhelming, The things here that have...and havn't changed, or the me that is trying to walk back into a life that still feels like it was a millions miles ago. For right now, I am home safe, feeling more loved then ever (it has genuinely amaized me), and the thousands of questions are staying mostly at bay in exchange for a little rest. And that is enough. P.S. this was my welcome home gang. Stacy left, Annie bottom, Barrett top middle, Willie big guy on the right. :-)

Back across the ditch to the smaller island...

I head back to wellington NZ today, then across the big blue tomorrow night. This is my last day in Sydney, My last 24 hours on this side of the world. To say I am a flurry of emotions would be the understatement of the year. this week expecially had brought some pretty extreme highs and lows. I did the corney thing and almost cried when I saw the opera the first time. It just a building, but for me it was a very long dream, and that made it absolutly amaizing. the flip of that was the lows. A mix of three months build up, some pretty fierce spiritual warfar (sorry for the big word usage) and God deciding it was time to tackle a few major issue. The whole week has left me a little daized. and of course add on to that the flying home after three months. yeah, definatly dazzed. But in honor of these lands in the south pacific, yep, you guest it......a tribute

Sydney:
Favorite food: Tim Tam slam (I'm bringing some home....you will soon know the wonder!)
Favorite locals spot: Harries on the water front (very famouse locals spot on the water,)
Favorite quirk: communting by ferry and train. who knew me and public transit could get along.
New favorite person: a guy named rob....and no, I'm not saying anymore...:-)
Second Favorite site:....(you already know #1)...Sydney aquarium and the blue mountains, its a tie
Best new move: walking. I will never again beleive I have a limit to how far I can walk in a day...getting lost cured that
Favorite weather: bringing the rain with us, of course.
Favorite animal: though many, i gotta go for the cookaburro (and i know i'm buchering that). Its lound, beautiful, and sound alot like someone laughing. -
biggest surprise:...Sydney becomeing my favorite city....I don't even like cities!
Best moment: seeing stacy at the airport, after worlds worst travel experience to get there.

New Zealand. the land of the long white cloud;
biggest triump: flat tie - tramping the driveway / catching the shark
Favorite spot: Nugget point hands down
Favorite food: Cadberry milk choc. They sell the stuff in huge bricks in 20 varietys. And are WAYYYYY better then hersheys.
Favorite cultural moment: the Haka. wow
Hardest part: leaving - home to get here, and here now that it is so much a part of me, and the friends you know you probably won't ever see again
Biggest adventure: getting locked out of wellington airport at 2 am on new years, haning out at the gas station playing cards
Favorite new person: all of the random people that make me happy - one wonderful stewardess in route, one random shuttle driver, the gang at ywam auckland.
Best marrate batch: swimming at Jesika's. (I didn't get the hunting one.....oh darn :-)
Biggest struggle: feeling physically frail for alot of reasons. ug.
Favorite by product: the amount of writting I've gotten to do.


There are things learned from this trip that won't easily be forgotten. In the beginning I said this was a trip about rattleing foundations. In the end it has been very much that. I know now stronger where my heart is and where I feel God wants me. I also know now the depths of my failings. Both have left me a little overwhelmed. This time of islands in the south pacific in my life is at an end. Here is to the seasons ahead.
Soli Deo Gloria

Sydney eh

Hello from the land downunder. I'm here, I'm zonked, and more excited then I think i've been in years. Trip over had bumpes, including a ruff ferry ride, and the airport terminal being closed over night (amaizing shuttle drivers send by God come in really handy, so does a deck of cards for killing time at the gas station next door :-), and getting locked out of housing and stranded in a far away land. Now this is adventure! I'm here with my friend who has been mia for 6 months, off doing one of those silly 'seeking God at costs' DTS's...and it's grand. We go home the same day, stay at the same place, but I can't begin to tell how much God is doing in the time we have here. Including pounding thru build up from the last three months. Ug.
Up for this week include the blue mountains, aquarium, musiums, and you guest it...the opera house. They have a 'back stage tour'. a hike thru every bit and piece of the place. It's expecsive.....grrrr....but so grand I can't talk myself out of it. And now that I am here, in the process of planning it. I'm so excited I feel like I am going to come unglued!
I am excited to be almost done, but love this last week. Such a mixture of emotions. Looking forward to seeing everyone, and already missing a land that feels like it has become a part of me. I get the feeling it is going to take a while to process everything that has happened here.
So anyhoo. Hopefully more to come this week now that we have found the trusty library with internet.
On a bigger island in the south pacific. :-) Me