Vitamin C and a bevy of choices

Choices are like vitamin C. They don't last. It doesn't matter the strength of the dose or the strength of the commitment. Every morning, they both must be started anew. Each day, each of us make a million choices. From the food we eat, to route to work, even the people we love. We choose. Some with barely a fleeting thought. Others with a deliberate tally of the pros and cons. And still others with prayer and angst. My morning walk has finaly landed in category two. With every morning including a mental scale. The warmth of the bed, the energy gained from walking. The forty five more minutes of sleep, the long tern benefits of moving. Most mornings I choose walking, some I choose sleep. But each morning, its a choice.

My understanding of this is has only recently changed. In my head I still partially think, when I make a decision, it sticks. The realization explains why I so often find myself standing at the crossroads, experiencing daja vu, and thinking 'didn't I already decide this?" But honestly, the realization just makes me tired. Some days, the million choices, just feel like a thousand landmines. I stepped on a few this week.

I have been told a lot lately that I am nice. And though I appreciate the compliment, it has also been frustrating me. For one because it is always said with a note of surprised. Which is just a telling of the sad state of the world. But also because it is often said as if it is just who I am. Instead of an accumulation of choices I make every day...and fail to make. I can assure you it doesn't come naturally. Recently my friend Red reminded me of Thessalonians. "And as for you, brothers and sisters, never tire of doing what is good". There is a similar verse in Galatians. I love it because it is a reminder that growing tired, is normal, even expected. It is also, for me, a reminder that this journey is not about pulling on my boot straps a little harder. But leaning on a faithful God that still blows my mind with His love.

I used to love the song 'Choose life' by Big Tent Revival. "Choose life, that you might live". I still like the song. But I have been thinking, Jesus said pick up your cross daily. Not once, or even yearly, or monthly. Daily. Though life happens in seasons and we celebrate the milestones, Life is made of up the choices we face at every single step.

One billion one hundred two million three hundred thousand down, eighteen billion two hundred fifty million-ish to go.

2010 elections and vanilla wafers

I can't watch election with out thinking of my dad. When I was fifteen I asked him the difference between the Democrats and the Republicans. He said 'the republicans will take your money, and the democrats will take your morals.'

I was researching Sikhism tonight. A east Indian religion larger then Judaism. Only seldom checking in on election results. But as the night went on the election results gradually starting taking my attention. Something on a whole I think they have been doing for the last four years plus years. I found my self even watching a commentary as the results trickled in. BBC is nice has an interesting outsiders view, and is pretty entertaining when they can't figure out how to pronounce Nevada. But I kept thinking of my dad's quote. I don't know the last time my dad voted. I am guessing its been well over a decade. He feels that the world is heading south, that all polotics are corrupt, and there is really no point doing anything. Almost a personal version of defeatism. At fifteen I disagreed with him, I still do.

Tonight held some good, some bad, and some hard. But in the end, I was largely content. I dipped my vanilla wafers and watched the predictions for the next two years. I voted. I said my peace. Every time I think of my dad's quote, I think of one of my favorite quotes. All evil need to thrive is for good men to do nothing. Please don't misunderstand me. I am not saying that anyone in tonight's elections is evil. More simply that if you don't like something, do something.

Opinionated

Opinions are a funny thing. Have too few and your spineless. Not to mention really annoying when it comes to where to grab dinner. Have to many and your opinionated. With all of its stubborn, rude, and pigheaded connotations attached.

I spent the better part of my life as the former spineless variety. A deep need to blend in and not make waves led to, I admit, one of the most annoying dinner companions ever. But somewhere in the last five years, admits all that fell away and all that grew, I formed opinions. They started small really. But the innocent loving sushi and hating cough drops, expanded quickly to issues from abortion to religion. The last few months of my life, election season including, have led me to take stock of my opinions. I opened what I thought was a closet, and discovered a warehouse.

The first thought on taking stock was holy snickers, spineless jelly no more. But the second was how rarely I open that warehouse. Rarely might be a stretch actually, lets call it never (at least for anything bigger then dinner plans). Some where in the journey from ambivalence to care I decided I didn't want to be opinionated. Call it a carry over from wave avoidance, or maybe a desire to not be like the person preaching at me from countless podiums on countless corners. (I secretly think Seattle has a surplus warehouse of soapboxes I just haven't found). Its not that I don't care. Its that I don't want to offend.

One of the best teachers I have have was a guy named David Long. Like my current class he was a philosphy of religion guy. But unlike my current class, he was totally unbiased. I spent the better part of that class trying to figure out his actually opinion on anything. He was great at playing devil's avocate, at sparking discussion, but after almost three months I never did figure out what he truly thought of almost anything. Somewhere along I think I decided I want to be like him.

Its not that I think that is wholly bad. But that view has left a lot of white space, amazing book unshared, good questions never discussed. I wrote a paper today, and half way through I found myself making statements I didn't agree with, for the sake of bringing up a topic I felt was important, but in a way that wouldn't earn me a F. In all fareness I did the opposite in my other class, responding to my assignment with an appropriate - but should earn me a bad grade from my bias teacher - link. So it balances out.....right?

Its late and my cold ridden brain is starting to scramble thoughts. So here is the gist; I am just wondering, how do you have opinions, with out being opinionated?

I think about this blog often. Usually every time I finish a book about Islam, or Korea, or the love of God. All that make my brain hurt in the best ways. But the thoughts stay in, or at best make it to the pages of my offline journal. Instead this blog has remained a 'what personal issues are currently on my mind'. I hate it actually. There are bigger fish to fry then my latest emotional state.